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May 9th, 2012
Did you ever feel this journey you signed up for parenthood was not exactly what you thought it would be? In many entertainment magazines and tabloids, parenthood has been a cause de célèbre especially when movie stars make being a parent the new “in” thing. You see pictures of celebrities taking their young children to the park or on other outings looking blissful and beautiful. And you wonder why these stars look so happy and you are not, right? The truth is parenthood is the most challenging yet rewarding “jobs” we will ever have. There are moments of pure joy mixed in with times of sheer frustration and terror. The question is can we realistically expand more times of joy being a parent? Practicing right brain parenting might be the answer.
Right brain parenting is defined as the ability to use that part of the brain that is emotional, creative, playful, and intuitive while parenting. This approach came to me while asking a good friend of mine how he came up with an incredible creative game with his son. It was not only fun for him and his child to partake in but it also had a learning component to it. I realized that the joy he got doing this came from using his right brain.
The brain is divided into two hemispheres that control different functions yet are connected to one another. Left-brain functions include analytical and mathematical thinking. When you are being creative, allowing yourself to daydream, or using your intuition, the right side of the brain takes over. Often while parenting children, we are constantly in a state of questioning our actions, with thoughts like, “Is this the right way to handle this situation?” or “ What if he /she can’t do this task and what should or can I do about it?” These thoughtful questions allow our left-brain to take over to come up with logical answers. There is nothing wrong with these kind of left-brain induced thoughts, but it begins to become tiresome when there is no balance of right brain parental action. You know when this happens when you feel more stressed, less joy out of parenting, and overwhelmed. Here are a few ways to activate the right brain while parenting and get more fun and joy out of being a parent:
- Allow a creative flow of ideas in the form of games or projects to play with children- Start off with an idea of what could be a fun way to teach or explain something to your children. It could also be some way you want to spend time and interact with them. Don’t over analyze the idea and enjoy having fun playing around with the creative aspects of it. You can include your children in this right brain idea formation and ask for their suggestions. The how to’s of putting it into action will be the left -brain’s job to do.
- Tune into that intuitive “voice” when not sure of how to handle a situation with your child- Instead of immediately reacting to a situation, take a few deep breaths, and then ask yourself, “What would be the best way in my child’s highest interest to handle this particular situation?” Listen for the answer that sounds like a voice talking to you. It’s our right brain tuning into the wisdom that comes from our intuition that is usually correct. The stress in parenting comes from the not knowing how to handle a child’s problem or issue.
- Create more right brain parenting thoughts- For every “I should do this for my child” thought, counter it with “ What would I enjoy doing with my child?” thought. This allows you to see different perspectives and gives you more choices while parenting. You do not have to react to every right brain thought or even do them at that moment, but it alleviates the stress of too much logic in parenting and not enough fun! And fun in parenting leads to more joy.
Have you tried right brain parenting? If so, please share your experiences. Also, for more ideas or information about other relevant topics on parenting from a social and emotional expert and parent coach, go to my website www.drandie.com
Tags: Functions of left brain functioning, Joys in parenting, Less stress parenting, New approach to parenting, Right brain functions, tips to add more joy in parenting, Using your right brain to parent
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April 26th, 2012
The concept of self-esteem is not a new concept and it is one that most people recognize as an important characteristic to have. Simply defined, self-esteem can be viewed as the way a person values oneself. Most parents, when asked, what they would like for their children to have in life, the notion of having self-esteem would be high on the list. But can too much self-esteem in children create power struggles among friends, create an overly superior attitude towards others, and a lack of resiliency in the face of a possible failure? It can and here’s why.
Self-esteem focuses on the strengths of an individual to create a sense of personal value or self-worth. Back in the 60s and 70s when the self-esteem movement was at it’s height, parents were told to praise their children for their positive attributes to build high levels of self-esteem. Praises like “You are so smart”, “ You are beautiful”, or “ You’re the best baseball player on the team” was viewed as a way to build up a child’s self image and worth. The problem with this approach is if children do not believe this positive praise about themselves, no amount of words from others can alter their doubting beliefs. The flip side of this is that a child never learns to accept their weaknesses. We are all imperfect, and those unacceptable weaknesses get squelched and become unbearable “secrets” we don’t want anyone to discover.
There is a line where self-esteem tips over into superiority and dominance and the false assumption that one is better than the other. Those squelched weaknesses get covered up with braggadocio and creates false esteem that leads to condescension, superiority, and power struggles in friendships and other relationships. Self-esteem without self-knowledge is arrogance. It can stop children from persevering towards a defined goal when the “going gets tough” because false self-esteem is superficial and doesn’t allow one to access the deep reserves that true self-esteem can provide.
To insure that children develop true self-worth, here are some tips that parents can do:
- Use praise appropriately: Praise is important for children but it needs to be specific to the accomplishment. This allows them to know exactly what they did to deserve the praise and it is directed back to them. For example, “ You should be very proud of that “A” on that spelling test since you really studied hard to learn those new words. Good job!” This lets them know exactly why they are being praised, which increases their internal validation about their talents and efforts.
- Help children practice empathetic acceptance: Empathetic acceptance embraces all aspects of who we are including our strengths and weaknesses. Helping children to be aware, without judgment, that their weaknesses and limitations allow them to see a complete picture of themselves, not just the “edited” version. Accepting oneself with all of our frailties and good qualities is the true act of self- love.
- Teach empathy on how it feels to “be in someone else’s shoes”: Ask your child how it would feel if someone acted better than them and tried to boss them around. Would he/she feel angry, sad, or upset? Point out that it’s great to love and appreciate oneself but not when it crosses the line of superiority and smugness.
- Provide experiences that require effort to learn success: The greatest self-esteem experience is when a child can succeed through hard work, effort, and working through any possible fear or limitations. By supporting, encouraging, and allowing children to go through the throes of a challenging situation or circumstance can turn it into a life changing “can do” experience and lead to higher levels success and self-worth.
Does this topic resonate with you? Please share your comments. For more information about this type of topic and similar ones regarding social and emotional well-being for children and adults, please go to www.drandie.com
Tags: definition of self-esteem, Developing self-worth in children, False esteem in children, How to praise children appropriately, Self-esteem in children, Ways to increase healthy self-esteem in children, when children become arrogant
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April 18th, 2012
I just came back from watching the new documentary, Bully, that was released this weekend. As a social and emotional expert as well as a parent coach, this topic for me is one that I am, unfortunately, often asked about. Bullying is an intentional act, it is not a single one-time occurrence and is often repeated, and occurs whenever you have a power differential between the strong and the weak. Marked throughout history, this deferential power struggle was seen in warring nations pitted against one another, one trying to use their brutish strength over those not able to defend themselves. This is basically no different to what happened to Alex Libby, a twelve-year-old boy and one of the bullied victims in the film, that had to endure taunts and physical abuse on the bus and in school.
What saddened me the most as I watched this movie was how helpless the parents of these bullied victims felt. The documentary showed the pictures of Tyler Long, a boy of 17, when he was a happy toddler, riding his bike, and being carefree until he was bullied so much that he stopped crying and then hanged himself in his bedroom closet with his youngest brother finding him. It was heart wrenching watching Tyler’s devastated parents deal with his suicide as well as other parents who felt so frustrated with school administrators that did not take their child’s bullying as seriously as they could have. The greatest danger that befalls parents, teachers, and school administrators is the belief that “kids will be kids” and that the occasional being mean to others is just another part of going through the normal throes of childhood and teenage years.
Crossing over the threshold of “just being mean” to the next level of intentional, repeated bullying incidents is an educational problem. We need to educate children and adults on what I call precursor bullying. These are the little snide remarks children make to one another or the put downs that encourage one feeling superior to one another. Remember bullying is about power, and those little taunts and nasty comments to one another can escalate as a precursor to bigger taunts and full blown emotional and physical abuse.
If 78% of elementary students surveyed say they have been bullied (that statistic probably is higher since half of bullying incidents never get reported), then we need to make sure every child is educated from day one of their schooling experience on an preventive anti-bully curriculum. This would be in the form of understanding what emotions are and how they can be expressed, empathy training, what are the signs of bullying behavior, what to do when it occurs, and most importantly, helping them learn to love and value themselves. Children that are taught the foundation of self-love, have a difficult time perpetrating unloving behaviors onto others (More Than Saying I Love You: Four Powerful Steps to Children Loving Themselves, 2011). That one aspect alone would the greatest antidote against the detrimental effects that bullying creates for the victims and their families.
Even though the movie, Bully, is hard hitting to the real issues of bullying and uncomfortable to watch because of the range of emotions you feel from sadness to anger, I HIGHLY recommend it to every child (especially from 8 – 18 years old) parent, teacher, and school administrator to go and see. We need to take a stand once and for all against the act of bullying in all forms.
Please share you comments on this topic. Have you been a victim of bullying? What do you think we can do about this? Also, check out other topics on parenting and hot social topics at www.drandie.com
Tags: antidote to bullying, Causes of bullying behavior, Movie Bully, Preventative anti-bullying programs, What to do about bullying
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April 8th, 2012
The other day my teenage daughter blatantly lied to me supposedly about a new bathing suit she swears she hadn’t recently bought. I don’t keep complete tabs on my daughter’s wardrobe but I do notice if she is wearing something new especially if I hadn’t bought it myself or was with her when she did. When I asked Aly if this bathing suit was new (she does have a thing for bathing suits and seems to have many!), she very sweetly looked at me, not even batting an eye and said, “ No, Mom. This bathing suit was last year’s but it somehow got pushed to the back of my drawer and I just hadn’t worn it”. I looked at her still face and listened to the light tone in her answer and knew without a question in my mind that she had just lied to me! This was not the first time she had lied, as there have been a multitude of them over the years. A flash of anger came over me. What kind of kid did I raise that had to lie about things? And more importantly, I thought what else was she not telling me the truth about?
Almost every parent no matter what age their child is has most likely experienced their child lying to them. It’s a feeling of betrayal as if they crossed the line in challenging our ability to teach them the difference between right and wrong. We ask ourselves if one simple lie will lead to a lifetime of them being chronic liars, not being able to make sound, moral judgments or know the difference between right or wrong. And worst of all, we worry that we are “bad” parents since we didn’t do our “job” correctly to make them into little Abe Lincoln’s promising to always tell the truth. What went wrong we ask?
The truth is that lying is a normal part of a child’s development. Children lie for different reasons at different ages. The toddler or preschooler may lie simply because their very active imagination gets in the way of what may have really happened. Also, sometimes at this age, they may appear to lie because they honestly have forgotten things. A case in point, when my daughter Aly was three she threw her Barbie doll in the toilet and claimed not to have done it especially when it probably happened hours before. By age 5 or 6, they begin to understand the difference between fantasy and reality. They also are developing a conscience and now understand when certain behaviors can cause parents to be disappointed in them. By age 7 or 8, they usually are able to tell the truth. Probably the most common reason for them to lie at this age and subsequent ages is to avoid being punished or even avoid doing something they deem unpleasant like chores. By adolescence, they are aware of the consequences of telling lies and sometimes do it to protect their privacy, establish independence, and do it to get out of something that they think they may not be able to get by telling the truth. Lying is not usually a serious problem at any of these ages unless it becomes habitual or compulsive and then it is a sign for professional help.
So how did I handle Aly’s lying to me? First, I made it clear that I questioned her answer and that I felt she was lying to me. I always value truthfulness and since one of the main motivators for kids to lie is to avoid punishment, I knew that she was not telling the truth for fear that I would take away her debit card. I made an honest statement of,” I’m really hurt that you felt that you had to lie to me about the bathing suit. I’m not going to punish you . I will also be really happy if you tell me the truth so please tell me the real answer about where you got the bathing suit.” I now gave her both immunity and a way to get back to good standing with me. She crumbled and not only did I get the truth (she actually bought one other one even if it was on sale!) but she also claimed to understand why she lied to me. Ah ha, I knew truth would prevail. And as a parent, at that very moment, that was all that mattered to me!
Do your children lie to you? How do you handle it… Share your experiences. Also, check out my website, www.drandie.com . Being a parent coach and social and emotional expert, there are lots of relevant issues and topics I talk about that are helpful to all parents!
Tags: children and lies, developmental stages for telling the truth, parent strategies to deal with lying behavior, Reasons why children lie
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March 21st, 2012
Recently my daughter came home for a short stay from college to interview for a summer internship. Driving home from the airport, I could tell that something was wrong, as she wasn’t her usual happy self. When questioned, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and confessed that she just got back a grade on a test and it was a lot lower than she had expected. This was an exam with information that was more challenging for her to learn and she didn’t feel that she was as prepared for it as she could have been. The truth was she wasn’t getting enough sleep, her social life was beginning to take top priority over schoolwork, and the quality of her usual studying was not up to par for preparation for this exam. To her, getting this lower grade made her feel as if she “was not smart enough”, which to her was a point of failure.
What my daughter was expressing is similar to how most children and teens react when challenged with more difficult information to learn or to perform. Today, there is so much emphasis on achievement whether it is academic in nature or some other form of success. We live in a success driven society and we are often measured by what we have achieved. This dictum is handed down to our children who are looked upon as the next generation of achievement and success makers. It seems that the bar of expectations for success has been raised to greater heights than ever before. This overdrive to succeed has also created another backlash. Children are afraid to fail at any cost.
Not everything in learning comes easy and most of the time it takes perseverance to work through any new challenging and difficult knowledge until it is finally understood. The part of the learning cycle that is more demanding is often the place where most children give up and fail. What worries children the most is not the actual act of failure but the fear of it. This fear generates those thoughts of “ You are not smart enough” or “ Nobody likes a failure or loser”. We need to turn the table on this whole idea of failure and allow children to view it from a different perspective.
When we don’t succeed in every corner of our lives, our brain begins to generate thoughts of not “being enough”—not being smart enough to get all A’s, not being fast enough to win every race, not being talented enough to win every singing competition. The list can go on and on. Yet, there is a silver lining in the aspect of failing. The gift that failing gives us is another opportunity or chance to learn how to do it differently. Children, afraid of failing, need to be helped to understand that no matter the disappointment or despair, failing allows them to try another way and to learn from their mistakes. Learning that one can fail and to get right back up again is one of life’s greatest lessons. The idea of failure is just another chance for success with more effort, determination, and perseverance.
Parents need to love their children enough to allow them these experiences through the ups and downs of both their successes and failures and not equate “love” with “success”. As with my own daughter who experienced a grade that created feelings of failure, it was important for her to learn that a grade on a test does not define her as a person. She began to see the low grade as a wakeup call for her to change some of the ways she was studying and living her life at school. Being “smart enough” is the ability to find different strategies when others aren’t working to lead one to success. By turning the table on the stigma of failure, we can see it as a catalyst that fortifies children with all the essential ingredients for inner strength, courage, and the determination to end up succeeding.
What about you? What is your take on the aspect of failure? Please share your thoughts!
Tags: A different definition of failure, coping with failure, Parents helping children with failure, Underlying reasons for failure, why children fail
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March 7th, 2012
No too long ago, I posted a Dr Andie Says blog article (archives in January, 2012) on the difference between being introverted and shy. As a follow up to that article and since during the Q & A time of most of the presentations on social and emotional skills I run for parents, it never fails that I always get questions regarding how to handle a shy child. Understandably so, shyness is something that we all have experienced in our lives. Typically, it is normal, temporary behavior. However, shyness becomes an issue when it becomes a fear or a withdrawal from other people or social situations. It is something that should not be ignored by parents because shyness can be very painful for a child to live with and its effects could follow a child into adulthood.
As a child I suffered from shyness so I can be completely empathetic to those parents whose children are dealing with this. My shyness was a result of an early childhood speech impediment that embarrassed me. I also did not know how to converse and what to say to others especially my classmates at school. My teachers labeled me “ shy and quiet” but back then that meant that I wasn’t a “trouble maker” so they left me alone. As I got older I learned strategies to force myself to talk to others and thus became less shy. Today, when I tell people how shy I was when I was younger they are shocked because of how extroverted and talkative I am. Can shyness be overcome? Yes, like in my case as well as in others it can but it will take a commitment on the part of both the parent and child to overcome this issue.
Here are a few social skill strategies that a parent can do to either prevent or help shy behavior:
- Expose children to many different people and social situations: Starting at a young age, parents should introduce their children to many different people, social situations, and activities like play groups. This helps young children get use to new social interactions in various settings giving them opportunities to interact with one another. Also, by getting the shy child involved in social activities, it counteracts their tendency to want to isolate themselves from others.
- Practice modeling non-shy behaviors: Shy children can model others expressing oneself emotionally in appropriate ways, interacting with others, and doing socially appropriate skills such as introducing yourself to others and showing manners. If your child doesn’t know how to do this, role-play shaking hands, and how you introduce yourself to others. Make it a game.
- Let go of the label “shy child” and discourage others also from labeling: Children that are labeled as shy by their parents or others may feel that they have to live up to that expectation. If for some reason you feel that you must explain your child’s bashfulness, just say, ” Sometimes my son/daughter takes time to get use to new people and situations. Once he/she gets used to you, he’ll/she’ll feel like talking”. Notice the words “shy” or “reserved” were not used.
How many of you were “labeled” shy and have had to deal with shyness either with yourself or with your child? Let me know. For more information about this topic, please go to my website www.drandie.com and click on under Hot Social Topics, “Shyness: Protective Armor or Social Barrier.
Tags: overcoming shyness in children, parent strategies for helping shy children, shyness
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February 17th, 2012
Last week my Dr. Andie Says blog article, Raising Children.. American Style, countered present and past books that claim other countries or cultures have the corner on the best parenting approaches. It infers that American parents still have a lot of learning to do in order to raise happy, well-balanced children. The truth of the matter is there is no one exact, parenting style recipe that fits all children. So what would be the best way to describe the American style of parenting?
Let’s consider the First family, the Obamas, who seem to epitomize the American style of parenting. In interviews with Michelle Obama, she has discussed that her daughters Malia and Sasha are raised with learning responsibility through doing chores and gaining freedoms based on “earning” them through responsible actions and effort. Even with all the pressures that both the President and Mrs. Obama have to deal with on an everyday basis, they still place their children as their number one priority. Unlike the French, this doesn’t mean that they lose their identity as parents nor do they see them as an accessory; their children simply enhance their lives. American parents, like the Obamas, will make mistakes as parents do since there is no such thing as a “perfect” parent, however, their ultimate goal is to raise children that can become successful, contributing individuals to the world. This might be in the form of being an artist, an athlete, a songwriter, a businessperson, a teacher, or whatever passion or talent carves their path.
As a speaker and lecturer to many parents as well as a parent coach, I am often asked what is the best way to raise children. When we get books like the newest one, Bringing Up Bébé, that question the American style of parenting and infer that another country or culture has a better way, many parents get confused and raise doubts on how they are parenting. The reason they get confused is that they beat themselves up by feeling guilty about not being good enough. I believe that our American style of parenting is “good enough” since it is always evolving, and growing just like the way America is as a country. The American parenting style will always be reflective of our core values and beliefs that encourage freedom to express one’s potential, to pursue happiness and success, and to find whatever opportunities there are to continue to learn. I’m sure the First Family would agree with that!
Tags: American style of parenting, how Americans raise their children, Michelle Obama, Parenting style, parenting style and cultural core values, The First Mom, The Obamas as parents
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February 9th, 2012
Last year the American parenting population had the opportunity to debate Amy Chau’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother prescription on how to parent with the strict, take-no-prisoner Chinese style. Now the new book, Bringing Up Bébé by Pamela Druckerman portrays the French child rearing philosophy that again insinuates that their way is the best way. According to Druckerman, the French mother never allows her own individual identity to get enmeshed in the throes of motherhood, teaches their children to self-soothe themselves, and in no way gives into their children’s tantrums. Does this mean that the Chinese or the French have the best insights to parenthood?
I believe that the foundations of our philosophy in how we parent lies in the culture that we were brought up in. Our core beliefs and values dictate our approach to our understanding of what creates a happy, successful child. For example, in the Chinese culture, hard work, perseverance, honor to the family name, and maximizing one’s potential are paramount core beliefs. Core beliefs are reflected in our actions towards our children for the continuation of the cultural values we were raised with.
If cultural values and beliefs dictate our parental style, then what would be the main ingredients of an American parenting style? Think back to the American foundational document, The Declaration of Independence. In it’s most quoted and famous preamble that includes America’s key ideals and principles, it states, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness..” This preamble reflects a deep belief that corresponds to the American parenting style that our children are to be raised with the freedom to explore opportunities, have the right to pursue avenues that lead to life-long success, and to create happy, prosperous individuals.
Different than homogeneous countries like China or France, America is the melting pot of the world and combines many different cultures that make us a heterogeneous society. We don’t have a prescribed formula that makes us better parents compared to the rest of the world as we choose the freedom to be always evolving, learning, and are therefore able to individualize our parenting styles. The bottom line for this continual debate on which country or culture has the leg up on the best parenting style is that the end goal for parents around the world is to maximize our children’s potential to lead happy and productive lives no matter what style we adopt.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this controversial cultural debate on which is the best way to parent …
Tags: American differences in raising children, American parenting style, Cutural differences in raising children, parenting approaches, Parenting styles, Rebuttal to the book Bringing Up BeBe
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January 30th, 2012
Let me introduce you to a boy named Sam. Sam is a seven-year-old with big, blue eyes, dark curly hair, tall for his age, who loves to read, work on his legos, and play video games. When Sam is around other children talking he rather listen to the conversation than be a part of it. Although he plays well with children on a one- to- one basis, he does not feel comfortable with children his age in a group setting, especially at a gathering like a birthday party. His teachers describe him as “ thoughtful, creative, a good student who prefers to watch others rather than be the ring leader”. Is Sam just shy or is he an introvert? The answer is Sam would be considered an introvert.
Most people confuse an introvert with someone who is shy. The fact is being shy has little to do with being an introvert. Shyness is characterized by fear; fear of social interactions and situations. A shy person doesn’t necessarily want to be alone, but is afraid to interact with others. The environment fraught with anxiety heavily influences a shy child.
Unlike shy individuals, introverts enjoy being alone and when being around a lot of people especially in a social situation, they feel that their energy is being drained. After being in a social situation such as a party, they value having alone time just to “recharge”. They are your “thinkers” that love nothing more than to deal with the inner sanctum of their minds with their thoughts, ideas, or even feelings.
Many parents ask me if they can help their child be more extroverted or outgoing. The truth is children can be helped to overcome their shyness with social skill practice but introversion is part of their temperament that is inborn and innate comparable to the shape of one’s nose or hair color. Here are some common characteristics of an introvert: usually has a few close friends, does more listening than talking, likes creative or imaginative play, enjoys more solitary activities such as reading, prefers to be the watcher of an activity than the participator, gets cranky after spending too much time around people, needs “alone” time, and does not share feelings readily.
If you are concerned that your child has many of these introvert characteristics, don’t worry! Being an introvert has many positives aspects. An introvert may not be the most popular person in school with loads of friends, but the ones that they do have, will be lasting and rewarding friendships. Often introverts make wiser decisions because they tend to think things out more, are detail oriented, and are deliberate in their actions. Yes, no racecar driving for them! Their listening skills are extremely refined and this is an important skill to have in leadership positions. And lastly, introverts are often the ones who after spending much time thinking and dreaming out of the box, are often the ones who come up with exciting new products or ground breaking ideas.
The shy and introverted are often scorned in a world that values extroverts and loud, talkative people. Like the boy Sam described in the beginning of the article, they are the sensitive ones who add so much to our existence. Our introverted children can stand up proudly next to many famous introverts such as Lincoln, Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, Mother Theresa, Joe Dimaggio, and Gandhi. They just view the world with different colored lenses in a quieter, gentler way. So instead of trying to make them into something they may not be able to be, accept, respect, and most importantly– value them.
For more information on this topic read Susan Cain’s book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking and Time Magazine’s February 6, 2012 article, “ The Upside of Being An Introvert (And Why Extroverts Are Overrated.)
Tags: characteristics of introverted children, description of an introverted child, differences between shyness and introversion, introverted children, parents worry about introverted children, positives aspects in introverted individuals, shy children
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January 17th, 2012
Do argumentative children drive you crazy? This is one area that I have found that parents get trapped into especially in who has the last say. I am all in favor of freedom of speech and allowing everyone to have an opinion, but there are also times where children will argue with a parent just for the sake of arguing. The overly argumentative child or teen has a greater need for just expression of opinion and this need is called control. The feeling of control that gives a child the upper hand is what most parents react to. So what’s a parent to do when confronted with a child that argues for the sake of arguing? Believe it or not the answer lies in not reacting.
Sometimes the most powerful tool in a heated situation is non-engagement. Children can be pretty sneaky by knowing all of our weak spots and use them to their advantage especially in trying to win in an argument. However, the best way to end an argument is not to engage which lowers the opportunity to keep the argument fueled. Here is a powerful technique that I recommend and have used quite often myself as a parent:
Step one: Don’t Think!
When the child is arguing with you, don’t think about what the child is saying. The reason for this is that you can get into trying to reason with them. If you end up reasoning with them, they likely will turn your words into ways to trap you.
Step two: Choose a one- line response and keep repeating it
I call this the “no brainer mantra”. Examples of no brain mantras are: “I love you too much to argue with you”, “ Thanks for sharing”, “I’ll respond to you when you are calmer”, “ That’s one way of looking at it”, “ Nice try” or “I will not talk about this when we are both angry”. Choose one of these mantras (or one of your own creation) and just keep repeating it every time they try to engage you in the argument. Keep these one-liners non-emotional, yet sincere and walk away from the child as you keep saying them over and over again to each of their argumentative responses. At first, they most likely will try to engage you with their responses to get you to argue back to them, and eventually with these one-liners, they will see that you are not going to engage in this behavior and it will end the argument.
I find that when both parties are calmer (both child and parent) and can non-emotionally talk about the issue that caused the argument, there is a better chance of working out a more positive solution. In arguments where one is trying to prove that the other party is wrong, it only gets into defensive word throwing and usually ends up with everyone upset and angry. As a parent, you can set the tone by not engaging in argumentative behavior and teaching your child that solving differences of opinion comes from a place of common resolution and care for one another.
Does your child argue too much with you? Share with me your experiences…
Tags: non-engagement in arguments, parent tips for dealing with argumentative children, reasons why children like to argue with parents, technique for eliminating arguments with children
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